


Tuesday, March 19, 2019

by poetry_and_stone (thunderstorm_skald)



Series: letters i'll never send [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Anger, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fear, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Letters, Parent-Child Relationship, Unsent letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-27 02:34:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18295094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderstorm_skald/pseuds/poetry_and_stone
Summary: to my parents, who never really were family





	Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Mom and Dad—

Both of you are at work now, which means I can come out of my room for longer than a few minutes without fear of exposure. I’m not going to. I’m going to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling and wait for the sound of your cars pulling up in front of our house and then the sound of your angry steps coming up the front porch steps and then the sound of the key in the door. I’m going to stay in bed and hide from you because you terrify me even when you aren’t here.

You won’t see this and I feel sure enough about that, so I guess this is where I’m going to write out all the things I’ll never tell you.

I hate you. You scare me. You hurt me. Mom, you are a fuck up. Dad, you may not touch me but damn if you aren’t as shitty a parent as your own father. That isn’t my name and those aren’t my pronouns and something inside me suffocates a little each time you call me that. I have a bag packed for when I leave. I want to leave. I want to take a scalding bath in bleach and acid so I can scrub off all the shit you’ve said to me and all the passive aggression and maybe come out a little calmer, a little less paranoid. I see things sometimes, but I’ll never tell you that because it was never the insomnia that made me psychotic and maybe that’s worse than you being right about me, mom. I cry myself to sleep most nights and in my nightmares you’re hurting me and chasing me and killing me and trapping me and in my nightmares it’s you, it’s always the two of you. I’m waiting for you to take him away from me and when that happens, I will fight you. You’ve tried to take everything from me. I won’t let you take him. I didn’t see Alyssa at Home Depot. I cried on the car ride there and I cried while looking for the drain cleaner and I cried on my walk to the car and I cried while I drove to Panera and I cried in the parking lot and I cried while my boyfriend talked me down from wanting to kill myself and I cried when I tasted draino and I cried when I drove myself home and I didn’t want to make it home. I never want to make it home. I relapsed again. I relapsed and I don’t know if the meds are helping and I’m beginning to wonder when it stops being a relapse and becomes how life is. I am waiting for you to give me a reason. I want to leave I want to kill myself I want to escape this hell but I know there is nothing stopping you from chasing after me. I’m tired. I want to sleep I want to be alone I never want to see you again.

I hate you so much it almost makes up for how much you taught me to hate myself.

—that isn't my name and those aren't my pronouns and you aren't my family


End file.
